Blue skies smilin’ at me
Nothin’ but blue skies do I see
Bluebirds singin’ a song
Nothin’ but bluebirds all day long

Never saw the sun shinin’ so bright
Never saw things goin’ so right
Noticing the days hurrying by
When you’re in love, my how they fly

Blue days, all of them gone
Nothin’ but blue skies from now on
(Blue skies smilin’ at me
Nothin’ but blue skies do I see)

Never saw the sun shinin’ so bright
Never saw things goin’ so right
Noticing the days hurrying by
When you’re in love, my how they fly

Blue days, all of them gone
Nothin’ but blue skies from now on
Nothin’ but blue skies from now on

“i know that you’re waiting,
and i know that it is not for me.”
Kathleen – Josh Ritter

There’s more to this. as there usually is. games written for amusement – while in our heart of hearts, we would give it all up for something real, something true.

seeing old friends re-established in well worn grooves of your current life is amazingly comforting. it’s walking into a room and feeling safe. smiles exchanged and relaxing into patterns of an old life in the midst of a party where you know no one but each other.

it’s a beautiful thing. reminders of a different time. and the beauty of it all – is that you still are comforted. can still connect enough to laugh over a game of beer pong. memories relived, new plots exchanged – and to find that things are essentially still the same.

and to find that the things that have changed – are simply addendums – focus, readiness, issues resolved, confidence regained – and that they make what existed before more real. more honest.

we all find what we’ve been looking for. eventually.

i miss you.

what i would give to be curled up on your lap reading a book, my head on your shoulder, while you watch the ball game –

its the little things i miss.

the simplicity of us.

while you are off chasing your dreams – i am here chasing mine. and while we may not ever end up together again – lord how i miss being able to settle into you after days like this.

olive skinned boys with dark hair and easy smiles.

i just want to feel that way with someone else. to be able to know that they would be there when i got in. waiting with a space in their arms for me to curl into. and for it to be that simple.

i’m tired tonight. and feeling a little weak. here’s to wishing i had asked you to stay.

it’s alright – i’ll be better in the morning – it’s just been a long couple of weeks.

odalisque is blasting through my speakers as i contemplate how behind i am in reading –

the todays, yesterdays and tomorrows are edged with a chill that makes my heart skip a beat –

and somehow all the questions begin with the line

“are you honest?”

the strangest thing happened.

is it the month of dreaming of boys i dated once?

you showed up with the group. the ones that i dont see around anymore. the artsy ones ignored me with miffed looks. you just turned to me and asked if i was still doing my not wanting to talk to me thing and sounded offended.

it was strange.

very.

these days that melt from sun to rain to mist rising from the asphalt in the dark of night are quiet and slow. i have done this on purpose. but i cannot keep holding onto the tragedy that is my car as my reason to hold in the sleep and laze about the days and margarita my evenings anymore.

plans need to be made, needs met. there must be a way to make the pieces fit without jamming them in and hoping for the best. so i slide and manipulate them, hoping their edges are curved and not jagged. that blood will not be spilt and my ambitions wane.

~~

my hair has grown longer, my skin a shade darker from the hours spent gardening in the heat. i remember you in your track pants and dark gazes in the cool nights of a northern city. you were not the one that i chose to pursue, at that point, i could not countenance our connection. in the time that i knew you, we only met a few times in the course of a few months. it was enough, since i still remember you now.

i like my boys attentive. for me to be aware of your interest. subtle gestures are appreciated but in the end will win you no pass, no two hundred dollars. and surprisingly you were very much aware of me.  you leaned in. you smelled of clean night air and your smiles warmed me.

when we walked home that night, you were close enough to shield part of me from the wind. you tucked in near my cheek and made me laugh about the length of the walk, of people stumbling by that cold saturday eve. and when i found myself unexpectedly, here i lie because it was you i did not expect, enfolded in your arms with a cup of tea and a view of the blanketed street, it was the sweetness that i remember. the gentleman with the husky  voice and the slightly jagged accent.

it was a beautiful crisp evening.

somethings you remember in midst of the summer sweltering. and in them, you realize what it is that you currently long for and continue to seek.

~~

england vs. trinidad

today

noon

my days begin and end with the world cup

~~~~

i’m not going to say i’m not disappointed in the ways things turned
out. i did miss you, for all that is worth. when you left, i had
realized weeks before that i had misjudged you. i simply let the
remorse settle in and little else.

when you run into someone you could have loved, most distinctly, most
randomly, in a different city than the one you were in before, what do
you say?

i haven’t met anyone with whom there has been that connect,  the
underlying thread of wanting and understanding and excitement in almost
a year now. 

be careful what you wish for.

~~~~

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done
by only me is your doing,my darling)
                                    i fear
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

ee cummings

“i know you’ll miss me.”

i smiled as he whispered into my ear.

“you’ll try not to. but i know you will.”

i laughed and pulled away. his grin was contagious and we kissed goodnight.

and wrapped in a sweatshirt, drinking coffee with one of my best friends this past saturday. sitting inside murky, listening to the beats, reading our papers. laughing at my commitement issues. both with boys and careers.

he was right. i did miss him.

damn him.